"Generation Pussy" (or Why Your Grandfather Is Cooler Than You)

I'm feeling basic today, so let's make a list.  Here are 5 examples to support the title of this blog post:

1.  Pop culture WASN'T up his ass 24/7.  

"I don't know Tiernan, is this place really worth a  three-star review??"

I call this, "Useless d-bags on a Tuesday"

   You know what else?  Even if it tried to get up there, he wouldn't LET it, because he didn't give a shit about it.  He was too busy building a bookcase and drinking a cold one and having a goddam INTELLIGENT CONVERSATION (and fucking your grandmother) to waste his time tweeting or yelping or writing some gay-ass blog in a coffee shop.

"The fuck is a 'klout score'??"

2.  He accomplished a TON of shit. 

   He was a self-made, DIY man and he left his mark in this life and on this world.

Look at you.  Yea, you leave a mark all right:  a dork stain.

 

3.  You never heard him WHINING like a BITCH.

   Even when he could have, and probably should have.  He didn't need to backpack across stank-ass Europe to "find himself".  He looked in the mirror and found himself, then he fucking TCB'd.

 "Quit yer bellyachin', Suzie"

4.  You don't know your NEIGHBORS. 

And if you do, you don't talk to them regularly. And even if you talk to them, you don't know them - not like he did.  His would take a bullet for him.

5.  He KNEW what the fuck was GOING ON.

   Too bad you never asked him.  He was smart, and didn't pretend to be stupid.  He knew what was wrong, had ideas of how to fix it, and wanted to tell you about.

He knew it was up to him to make damn sure it happened.  So he got up, went to work and did just that ('cuz we all know your useless ass ain't getting SHIT done).

  And then, when the job was done, he knew how to fucking CHILL. 

My grandfather died last night.

R.I.P. Mario B.

Brief Random Thought: Predictions for the MORE FORTUNATE that us...

The Track officially opens today.  People (apparently assholes without jobs or fucking BILLS)  waited in line to get in.  So seeing as all these well-off dickheads will be picking winners all day while we are working for a living, the good folks here at C&B want to give a little prediction of our own, based obviously on the first fortune cookie we open.  

Here goes:

"Dog People", and why they're all Fucked in the Head...

I see you people all over my Cap'l Dizz-trick (yo).  In the park, on the streets, in your cars, sometimes even at the goddam bar.  Your dog dragging you down Lark or Broadway, or you carrying your smaller-than-a-turd pooch in your arms.  Adorable.  Agreeing with all your dog-person friends how much better canines are than humans; how you could never had a relationship with a person like the one you have with your dog.  And yea calm down, we know - your dog is the best behaved, cutest, friendliest dog in the world and it would never attack anybody (because as we all know, family dogs don't attack people).


Honestly, I kind of get it.  People are complex, unpredictable creatures; dogs are obedient and you can train them to sit and shut up and shit outside.  You can completely control a dog, humans will put up a fight and once you think you've got them pegged they'll remind you that you don't know shit.  But if you can't - as a HUMAN BEING yourself - relate to another being, and only to a fucking dog?  You are mentally ill.

Dogs are not people. And dog people are even worse: they're fucking idiots.

Brief Random Thought: the Coolest place in Albany...

...is this.  Go there tonight, listen to whatever band is playing, drink a Schaefer and keep the damn place open, because if it closes we are SO fucked.

City Beer Hall - where the pizzas are as "free" as a Chinese dissident

I've never encountered a more flawed yet apparently successful business model than at the City Beer Hall.

So, you want a beer?  They have arguably the best selection in the Cap-D.  On top of that, the food menu is awesome (its the guy from the Wine-n-Diner.)  Yea the music sucks, and bull is cheesy, but hey - at least they're trying.  That's not what I have a problem with.  My problem is the pizza.

If you've never been there, they give you a ticket for a "free" pizza when you order a beer.  The pizza is small, really it's just the size of one slice.  A round slice.  Now in order to get your "FREE" round slice, you have to bring your little ticket over the kitchen area, wait in line, and ask for it.  Then you have to stand there like a dick and wait there for it.  So already your *free!* pizza is costing you valuable minutes of your life.  Not to mention your personal fucking dignity.

Then there's the fact that in order to get your !!FREE!! pizza, you have to pay on average 7 bucks for a pint.

Geniuses at the City Beer Hall:  "Well actually the cost of the round slice is included in the price, so it's quite fair. But we have this super rad and totally unoriginal bull!"

So tell me, geniuses, what if for some crazy random reason I actually want to partake in MORE THAN ONE of your stupid expensive beers?

Geniuses at the City Beer Hall:  "Then you will keep getting tickets for pizza with every beer you order, until eventually you won't want to eat them anymore.  At that point you will essentially be paying for pizza (included in the price of the beer) that you are not eating, and you will go home with several completely useless tickets in your pocket (where your money used to be).  Have you seen the bull???"

I see.  And what if I want to order beer AND something from the menu?   

Geniuses at the City Beer Hall: "You will get pizza tickets with your beer and also you will get your food, but you won't eat the pizza, which you are paying for, because the price is AHHH fuck it.  Ok, YEA you are getting raped by our high beer prices because w know you will never eat the godamm pizza.  Are you happy???  And guess what - you'll be back!  They all will!!  Now go watch a drunk chick's tits jiggle on the mechanical bull, for fuck's sake.  What do you want from me!?!?!"

Damn - he's got a point.

CONCLUSION:  Go to the City Beer Hall for lunch (1 beer & a round slice should hold you over for a few hours, fat ass), or for one beer.  Any more than that and you're an asshole.

Brief Random Thought: nobody here cares that you're GAY

B.R.T. #4:

This is New York, we finally came to our senses in this goddam state and have allowed my gay brothas & sistas to get hitched.  Maybe I'm just way more evolved than everybody else but I never understood what the big deal is with the gayz.  Or the straights for that matter.  I've met d-bags on both side of that line.

To the Straights:  so you're not gay, and they are.  Who gives a shit?  We're all fucked (more or less)
To the Gays:  sorry kids, I just don't think you're all that different or unique, especially not in Albany in 2012.

Like...you're all just a human beings, getting freaky with another human beings; using your body parts with your partner's body parts.  Whoopty fucking do, what do you want a parade about it??
Oh wait I forgot you have a fucking HUGE one.

(that's what she said HEYOOO)

Brief Random Thought: sorry STUDENT GHETTO, she's too good for you...

B.R.T. #3:

Hey Hudson River Coffee House - you're waaaay to cool to be parked on fucking Quail street.  Those college dorks don't appreciate you properly.  So get your shit together and move to Lark or to Delaware Ave or something.

Preferably Lark, so you can put the complete waste of space Daily Grind outta biz.
(OOOOHHH dayum! Bet that hurt.)