"Generation Pussy" (or Why Your Grandfather Is Cooler Than You)

I'm feeling basic today, so let's make a list.  Here are 5 examples to support the title of this blog post:

1.  Pop culture WASN'T up his ass 24/7.  

"I don't know Tiernan, is this place really worth a  three-star review??"

I call this, "Useless d-bags on a Tuesday"

   You know what else?  Even if it tried to get up there, he wouldn't LET it, because he didn't give a shit about it.  He was too busy building a bookcase and drinking a cold one and having a goddam INTELLIGENT CONVERSATION (and fucking your grandmother) to waste his time tweeting or yelping or writing some gay-ass blog in a coffee shop.

"The fuck is a 'klout score'??"

2.  He accomplished a TON of shit. 

   He was a self-made, DIY man and he left his mark in this life and on this world.

Look at you.  Yea, you leave a mark all right:  a dork stain.

 

3.  You never heard him WHINING like a BITCH.

   Even when he could have, and probably should have.  He didn't need to backpack across stank-ass Europe to "find himself".  He looked in the mirror and found himself, then he fucking TCB'd.

 "Quit yer bellyachin', Suzie"

4.  You don't know your NEIGHBORS. 

And if you do, you don't talk to them regularly. And even if you talk to them, you don't know them - not like he did.  His would take a bullet for him.

5.  He KNEW what the fuck was GOING ON.

   Too bad you never asked him.  He was smart, and didn't pretend to be stupid.  He knew what was wrong, had ideas of how to fix it, and wanted to tell you about.

He knew it was up to him to make damn sure it happened.  So he got up, went to work and did just that ('cuz we all know your useless ass ain't getting SHIT done).

  And then, when the job was done, he knew how to fucking CHILL. 

My grandfather died last night.

R.I.P. Mario B.

Brief Random Thought: Predictions for the MORE FORTUNATE that us...

The Track officially opens today.  People (apparently assholes without jobs or fucking BILLS)  waited in line to get in.  So seeing as all these well-off dickheads will be picking winners all day while we are working for a living, the good folks here at C&B want to give a little prediction of our own, based obviously on the first fortune cookie we open.  

Here goes:

"Dog People", and why they're all Fucked in the Head...

I see you people all over my Cap'l Dizz-trick (yo).  In the park, on the streets, in your cars, sometimes even at the goddam bar.  Your dog dragging you down Lark or Broadway, or you carrying your smaller-than-a-turd pooch in your arms.  Adorable.  Agreeing with all your dog-person friends how much better canines are than humans; how you could never had a relationship with a person like the one you have with your dog.  And yea calm down, we know - your dog is the best behaved, cutest, friendliest dog in the world and it would never attack anybody (because as we all know, family dogs don't attack people).


Honestly, I kind of get it.  People are complex, unpredictable creatures; dogs are obedient and you can train them to sit and shut up and shit outside.  You can completely control a dog, humans will put up a fight and once you think you've got them pegged they'll remind you that you don't know shit.  But if you can't - as a HUMAN BEING yourself - relate to another being, and only to a fucking dog?  You are mentally ill.

Dogs are not people. And dog people are even worse: they're fucking idiots.

Brief Random Thought: the Coolest place in Albany...

...is this.  Go there tonight, listen to whatever band is playing, drink a Schaefer and keep the damn place open, because if it closes we are SO fucked.

City Beer Hall - where the pizzas are as "free" as a Chinese dissident

I've never encountered a more flawed yet apparently successful business model than at the City Beer Hall.

So, you want a beer?  They have arguably the best selection in the Cap-D.  On top of that, the food menu is awesome (its the guy from the Wine-n-Diner.)  Yea the music sucks, and bull is cheesy, but hey - at least they're trying.  That's not what I have a problem with.  My problem is the pizza.

If you've never been there, they give you a ticket for a "free" pizza when you order a beer.  The pizza is small, really it's just the size of one slice.  A round slice.  Now in order to get your "FREE" round slice, you have to bring your little ticket over the kitchen area, wait in line, and ask for it.  Then you have to stand there like a dick and wait there for it.  So already your *free!* pizza is costing you valuable minutes of your life.  Not to mention your personal fucking dignity.

Then there's the fact that in order to get your !!FREE!! pizza, you have to pay on average 7 bucks for a pint.

Geniuses at the City Beer Hall:  "Well actually the cost of the round slice is included in the price, so it's quite fair. But we have this super rad and totally unoriginal bull!"

So tell me, geniuses, what if for some crazy random reason I actually want to partake in MORE THAN ONE of your stupid expensive beers?

Geniuses at the City Beer Hall:  "Then you will keep getting tickets for pizza with every beer you order, until eventually you won't want to eat them anymore.  At that point you will essentially be paying for pizza (included in the price of the beer) that you are not eating, and you will go home with several completely useless tickets in your pocket (where your money used to be).  Have you seen the bull???"

I see.  And what if I want to order beer AND something from the menu?   

Geniuses at the City Beer Hall: "You will get pizza tickets with your beer and also you will get your food, but you won't eat the pizza, which you are paying for, because the price is AHHH fuck it.  Ok, YEA you are getting raped by our high beer prices because w know you will never eat the godamm pizza.  Are you happy???  And guess what - you'll be back!  They all will!!  Now go watch a drunk chick's tits jiggle on the mechanical bull, for fuck's sake.  What do you want from me!?!?!"

Damn - he's got a point.

CONCLUSION:  Go to the City Beer Hall for lunch (1 beer & a round slice should hold you over for a few hours, fat ass), or for one beer.  Any more than that and you're an asshole.

Brief Random Thought: nobody here cares that you're GAY

B.R.T. #4:

This is New York, we finally came to our senses in this goddam state and have allowed my gay brothas & sistas to get hitched.  Maybe I'm just way more evolved than everybody else but I never understood what the big deal is with the gayz.  Or the straights for that matter.  I've met d-bags on both side of that line.

To the Straights:  so you're not gay, and they are.  Who gives a shit?  We're all fucked (more or less)
To the Gays:  sorry kids, I just don't think you're all that different or unique, especially not in Albany in 2012.

Like...you're all just a human beings, getting freaky with another human beings; using your body parts with your partner's body parts.  Whoopty fucking do, what do you want a parade about it??
Oh wait I forgot you have a fucking HUGE one.

(that's what she said HEYOOO)

Brief Random Thought: sorry STUDENT GHETTO, she's too good for you...

B.R.T. #3:

Hey Hudson River Coffee House - you're waaaay to cool to be parked on fucking Quail street.  Those college dorks don't appreciate you properly.  So get your shit together and move to Lark or to Delaware Ave or something.

Preferably Lark, so you can put the complete waste of space Daily Grind outta biz.
(OOOOHHH dayum! Bet that hurt.)

Legends on Lark: go for the Happy Hour, stay a little longer for the Happy Hour, then get the hell outta there

Hey!  If you want a delicious, highly enjoyable lunch, do yourself a favor:  head over to Legends on Lark and grab a seat at the completely empty bar.  Order an ice cold, gross-but-good-for-two-dollars pint of Sierra Nevada from whichever miserable and/or comatose bartender is working that day.  When you finish, order another.  Then ask to see the menu, and look it over

Study it carefully, commit it to memory if possible, because these are items you should never, ever, never, fucking EVER order, no matter how hungry you are.  Then get up and run the fuck out the door and up the street to Hot Dog Heaven, and grab a couple of Big Dogs with the works.  Go back to work smelling like beer and chili sauce, and tell the prick who sits in front of you to deal with it.


Trust me.  I speak from experience, and each time I have ordered the "food" from Legends and attempted to consume it I thought to myself, "Hmmm.  If shit could puke, and then I ate shit's puke, it would taste exactly like this better than this."  Then, in a valiant effort to wash out the taste I proceeded to get drunk as fuck - my mistake, as it turns out.  Because this only led to me completely forgetting and subsequently repeating the entire dreaded goddam episode on several separate occasions.  Ironic?  Perhaps.  Terrifying?  Only to your digestive system.  

What time is it? It's BALLANTINE!! (fuck you, it kinda rhymes...)

Yea, I have my beer geek favorites just like every other asshole.  I even make my own.  But, as my Dad says, "sometimes you just need a Bud". And one of those times is next week, on America's birthday.

Now, my go-to brew when I'm throwin' back the cheap shit is not Crudweiser, but I think the phrase holds up if you insert any lawnmower beer in it's place.  As in, "sometimes, you just need a Genny", or as in the case of my personal preference, "...a Ballantine".  

There is certainly cheaper swill out there, such as the very awesome Mountain Brew (yes I realize it's just Keystone Ice in a different can, just shut the hell up already), the excellent and ruined-forever-by-hipsters PBR, and of course the U.C..  And then there's the seasonal options that you gotta grab; in the spring there's Genny Bock, in the summer the 'Ganssett Summer Ale.  But for year-round cheap booze, there's no beating the 'Tine.

First, the label.  It's "America's Largest Selling Ale", says so right there.  What are you, a commie?  You gonna buy some other shitty country's largest selling ale??  Then there's the Olympics-esque design of  those three interlocking rings.  You can do what I did, and give yourself a medal in a made-up event (I've taken home the gold the last three years in the 12 Ounce Individual Chugging Medley!). 

And if neither of those are doing it for you, you can't resist the mystery of the Rebus puzzles under each bottle cap (drink your Ballantine in the six-pack form pictured above for full effect, I can't vouch for the 40 oz. caps).  See #203 below:

Conclusion:  no other beer can make you say "what the fuck is that?" like Ballantines.  Why aren't you drinking one RIGHT NOW??

Brief Random Thought: want some CANCER with your tea??

B.R.T. #2:

To all you tea-sipping dickheads who look down at us hard coffee swiggin' gangstas (wipe that look off your face, you know it's true):  read it and weep.

Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go drink my red eye in the sun. Bitches.

"Carpool Manifesto": A Treatise on Capital District commuting...

Do this.

Stand near any busy thoroughfare in Albany - Madison, Delaware, New Scotland, the doorway of your mom's bedroom (OH!) - at rush hour, morning or night, and perform the following non-scientific yet highly credible study:  count how many assholes are driving in cars, sometime full-size SUV's, by themselves.  You'll pass the 100-mark in a matter of minutes.  Then, realize that most of these cars are likely going to the same general geographic areas (e.g. the hospitals or colleges, the Plaza, the State campus., horrible Wolf road, etc.).

Finally - ask yourself the following question:  how many fewer cars would there be if these geniuses just rode to these fucking places together?!?

I recently read this article about a proposal to bring more car sharing options (specifically Zipcars) to our area.  While certainly a good idea, I don't think that more cars on our streets is the best answer to address the transportation needs of urban residents.  It only took me a few minutes of researching to find an alternative and, in my opinion, a much more viable one:  a very decent online local commuting resource called iPool2.  It has some awesome features, like "Zip Code Matching" which finds you a carpool based on your zip code, a "Commute Cost Calculator" to help you see just how much money you're pissing away on driving everywhere yourself, plus the "Guaranteed Ride Home" program, which ensures that a user has transportation in the event of an emergency.  (note: "I'm really drunk", doesn't qualify as an emergency to these people.  Oh well.)

Anyway, I think that currently available and overlooked options like the carpool, bus, and vanpool services available through iPool2 should be fully explored before creating any further automobile initiatives (and subsequent traffic congestion) in my city. So check it out.  Or just stop being a pussy and take the goddamn bus.

That's it.  It's Friday - who needs a drink...

Brief Random Thought... Beer or Death? Beer, dumbass!!

B.R.T.#1:

Trying to get to the 'Heart from the corner of Lark & Mad is a fucking suicidal death march and it's goddam annoying.

But they have that awesome happy hour special (the lone reason anyone should ever go there) and free popcorn (ok, reason 1A), so whaddayougonnado.

The Shape of Posts to Come...

Some things I'm going to be writing about soon, in no particular order:

• Albany:  why I love it, and why Troy is better.
• Lark Street:  the "artsy" area, the village in the city.  Really?  So where's the fucking music?
• 518 Food:  the best upscale, casual, pizza, snacks, whatever. Just eat local for crissakes.
• Drinking:  why you should do it at lunch.
• Brewpubs:  close call between the whopping two choices we have here, but it's probably better here (yet I'd rather drink one here).
• Valentines:  you are all we have, so you can never close.
• City Beer Hall:   cool space with good food and great beer, and why I can't bring myself to go there.
• Hudson River Coffee House:  the coolest place you've never been to.

Plus other fun random thoughts on:

• White people
• Black people
• Gay people
• Male people
• Female People
• fucking stupid people
• and so much more!

That's it for now.  I need a(nother) drink.

First post... (or, "Fear and Loathing in the 518")

I concluded a while ago that my life is ruled by liquids.  Like now, I could use a drink.  It's still morning, so it looks like I'll be grabbin' a cup of high test from the best coffee I've had yet in this town (yet, given the opportunity, I'd still rather go here).

Welcome to this new blog.  I'll be writing stuff about living in Albany, (NY, USA...not those other fake Albanys) and also the Capital District in general.

Local music, local culture, local food, local booze; broader subjects too, like sports, religion, relationships, non-local music & booze, your mom, whatever - and how they all relate to the life of a resident of the 518.

Here's a musical example for our first post:  an opinion of the music scene in Albany, through the eyes of a local hardcore punk band.

Danger Field - "Oh, Albany"

This is our first post, just testing the waters here so I'll keep it brief.
Enjoy, and thanks for reading.  I need a drink.